Before I was got pregnant, I had this Pinterest-perfect vision of what those nine months would look like. I thought i’d have glowing skin, be wearing cute bump friendly outfits, and love the experience of growing a baby and becoming a mom; but I was wrong from the start.

When I took the pregnancy test, I knew in my gut it was going to be positive. Travis and I wanted to grow our family, so the excitement was there from the start; but so was fear, anxiety and the immediate panic about all of the things that could go wrong- spiraling some might call it. But all of those emotions aside, we couldn’t wait to share the news with our family and friends-all who have been. “patiently” waiting for us to grow our family. For me the excitement of telling family and friends was a good distraction to the wild ride that pregnancy takes you on.

But once the dust settled, and our closest friends and family knew (but the rest of social media didn’t quite yet) was when it all really hit me. I’d heard to the symptoms; the morning sickness, tiredness, but I was so not prepared for the overall toll it would take on me. Staying awake felt like a full time job.

& for me, as an entrepreneur, I am lucky enough to be able to make my own schedule- I cannot comprehend how corporate mamas do it- you all are BUILT DIFFERENT and I admire you all so much. I could barely get my self out of bed let alone get on a business professional outfit , heels and put make up on. So if youre a corporate mom, just know, you are incredible.

Outside of physically feeling not myself, emotionally I felt even more unlike myself than I ever have. My normal, is happy go lucky, energizer bunny, excited for all things life; but pregnant? I wanted no part of anything. I was sad, almost all the time. I was stressed, anxious, and struggling to find the excitement in being pregnant. Which was when I decided to talk to my midwife about how I was feeling. My first discussion with her didn’t go the way I would have hoped- I was actually dismissed for my feelings and my husband wasn’t happy and neither was I. So we spoke up again, and my feelings were heard- and I was put on an SSRI. This was one of the best things I ever did for myself and my pregnancy.

I slowly started to feel more like myself; I started smiling, feeling happier, and started planning for becoming a mom. Physically I started to feel better, and although I was so lucky to have very few physical symptoms, it was so hard to not feel like I was in control of my own body.

But day by day, starting to feel him move, and watching the bump grow, I became more and more proud of what my body was able to do. That in no way meant that I ENJOYED what I was feeling, but it did make me proud and excited; and it’s taken me awhile to be okay with those feelings. More on guilt later.

As my pregnancy continued through the holidays and into the new year, I became more and more ready to meet our boy, but also for it to be over. & if youre a mom whose struggling with the excitement of becoming a mom, but hating the way pregnancy made you feel-I see you, I hear you, and its okay. Two things can be true; you can be excited to grow your family, and hate the way it makes you feel at the same time.

Just know, you are absolutely not alone in not loving being pregnant-there are some women who ~glow~ and some who just survive; and that is OKAY. Remember youre body is doing REALLY, REALLY hard stuff-like quite literally growing organs-it’s okay to not be okay. (and weirded out) because I absolutely was LOL.

& as for me now, being a mom both feels and looks good on me-if I do say so myself ;) So just be patient with yourself, give yourself grace-you are growing a human afterall. & if you haven’t realized by now, I will always keep it real, open, & honest about all things-so WELCOME to The Mom Collectives little slice of the internet-we keep motherhood real.